The Renaissance of Self Discovery

Edward Munch: Scream

What Am I Feeling?

By Bill Cattey

More and more I have noticed.

There is something not quite right inside me.

It is quite subtle.

It has to do with my feelings.

For many feelings there is no problem.

Simple anger, frustration or joy.

I feel them just fine.

But feelings about other people

Don't work quite right.

I don't think I let myself feel

My true feelings about other people.

I am afraid to know what I am feeling

About other people.

Bill Cattey’s poem has been written in a time in which self censorship is becoming less and less important. As society is allowing more and more freedom in self expression, human beings are still not really free. Fear of our own feelings keeps us trapped. Self discovery is a personal battle that many are too afraid to fight in this time and age. Because in this age these battles aren’t really physical, we must reach deeper. Simple feelings are always easy to feel and react to. But what happens when all of these emotions mix into a bittersweet concoction? Fear of love, fear of loathing, fear of the way that they will make us act, fear of how those actions will make others think, fear of how those thoughts will decrease our perceived self-worth, and how that self worth will entitle us to feel, all lead in a vicious cycle. Self discovery is no doubt a roller coaster. These complex emotions will probably bring these simple emotions out of hiding one at a time. The emotion that for the first part of our journey to freeing ourselves will most likely be sadness. In order to finish our journey, we must decide if the contentment and joy are, at the end of the ride, worth all of that sadness. In many cultures in the past these fears caused use statutes as an excuse to keep themselves in a little bubble. The satisfying of physical needs like hunger, thirst, and the avoidance of bodily harm act as distractions for people afraid of pain. And even the powerful people sometimes felt no true happiness. Because most people in times of ignorance and self censorship thought that power was the ability to fulfill all of the physical needs in sparsity. The court of King Henry VIII was said to be a splendid court in the 1500s. There was food and entertainment in huge amounts. There was nothing about his engagement in true love. His loathing was satisfied by killing all of his enemies instead of thinking on them as humans. He was envied beyond imagination. This envy of this kind of power soon began to wane, however. Because excuses are nothing to live on. As people grew courageous they pioneered onwards. They began to brave the trails outside of their bodies and outside of their little worlds. And now that those trials have been mastered, we must tackle the insecurities and fears inside of us. Self discovery, a theme which has always been avoided and is still being avoided, is looming up ahead with a very clear message. As we focus on keeping ourselves away from these deeper emotions, we will still realize that we live in unsatisfied monotone.